Last week I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.
Let me tell you about this extraordinary woman.
Barbara, Aunt B, or grandmother to us grandchildren, was born in 1930 into the first generation of Newfoundlanders.
(No wonder I love the music of Alan Doyle (And Great and great sea), it’s in my DNA!)
Gramma was a preschool teacher for 22 years and was an active member of her community her entire life. She was a wonderful seamstress and helped start several quilting initiatives over the years. She volunteered at the Council on Aging. She also often drove for Meals on Wheels, “delivering meals to the elderly” (as she called it), which she did until she was 80!
On my previous visits to Massachusetts, I would stop by Gramma's for an afternoon, usually checking my phone, often distracted by unimportant work thoughts occupying my brain. I think having known her my whole life, I just had this thought, “Grandma has always been there, and Grandma will always be there.”
Luckily, I came across an ancient Japanese concept that helped me recognize and correct this pattern. This has made all of my recent visits with Gramma feel decidedly different.
Ichi-go Ichi-e 一期一会
There is a concept dating back to Japanese tea ceremonies of the 1600s called ichi-go ichi-e:
This translates to: “once, one meeting”.
It is a reminder for us to cherish and embrace every unique moment in time. No matter how often we do something or see someone, it's only it's time for this to actually happen This way, In this moment.
This concept can remind us to be more present.
- Instead of checking our phone, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
- Instead of worrying about tomorrow or tuning out, we can be here now.
- Instead of pretending, we can be a little more thoughtful in our behavior.
I've been thinking a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy in recent years (see my essay on Wabi-Sabi), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e also stuck with me.
Which brings me to my travels to visit Gramma this summer.
I stopped worrying about the future or ruminating about the past, put my phone down and sat with her.
I treated each visit as if it were the only the moment when I would have the opportunity to have this interaction.
I asked him about his childhood. I learned that she had spent several summers in a tent, without running water or electricity, while her father built their house with his own hands. And how much she I loved it.
She told me about her adolescence, including the time she sneaked out of the house and got caught, and had to sit at the foot of her parents' bed until the sun came up.
I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared photos from her wedding that I've never seen before:
She also found photos of her and me from back in the day!
This one was my favorite:
I returned to Nashville last month, not knowing when (or if) I would be able to see her again.
It was always different. I had connected deeper with Gramma over a few visits than I probably had in the last 10 years combined.
Which brings me to last week in the hospital.
Grandma's Community
Last week, my brother and I went to visit Grandma in the hospital every day.
And every day, a revolving door of guests showed up to check on her:
His nephews and nieces. My uncle and my father. My sister and my mother (who just had surgery!). His grandchildren. Her best friend's son. Her friend Anne. Friends of the Council on Aging. Quilting friends. People from his church.
At one point there were 10 of us coming at once, and it turned into a real party.
I was in awe of this woman and how many lives she touched.
If there's one sure sign of a life well lived, it's being surrounded by people who love you. Grandma was selfless for much of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by the number of people who dropped everything to come and spend time with her, swapping stories and keeping her company.
Despite the circumstances, she still has a great sense of humor:
The first time she opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said, “I remembered another story!” » She then told me about the time she “borrowed” a car, even though she didn't yet have a license, to drive the streets of Boston looking for her boyfriend.
While talking on the phone with her 94-year-old brother-in-law, she asked him, “How are you, old man?”
When the doctor asked “are you feeling better today?” » she replied “better than WHAT!”
Spending time with Grandma and all the people from different parts of her life seemed like the best possible use of my time. I am in love with the community around him and am constantly moved to tears by the love so many people have for him.
This point was pushed further by the “neighbor” at my grandmother’s hospital…
Live deliberately
The hospital my grandmother resides in is right next to Walden Pond, the same pond made famous by Henry David Thoreau in his book. Walden.
One day, after visiting Gramma, I took a leisurely walk around its perimeter, watching the light of the setting sun dance through the trees.
(The Japanese also have a word for this, it's called “komorebi”.)
I then read the panel with Thoreau's most famous thought:
“I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to face only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach me, and not, when I died , discover that I had not lived.”
Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.
Grandma went the other way, prioritizing what is most important to her: family, friends and community.
Two different scenarios, same end result:
Choose to live deliberately.
I have no plans to move into the woods and live simply, but I think I've been trying my best to live more deliberately in recent years.
Specifically, reprioritizing what is most important to me: friends, family, and community.
All we have to decide…
A few years ago, Gramma gave my brother, sister and me three of her favorite handmade quilts.
“I was going to give them to you, my grandchildren, after I passed away, but I want to give them to you now so that we can enjoy this time together.”
She took the time to explain the meaning of each quilt and why they were selected for each of us. I am so grateful that she did this, rather than waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after she passed.
When I visited Gramma this summer, I discovered that she had printed my essay about my grandfather, her husband, who died. I hoped to make Grampy proud, but I realized I never got to tell him everything I learned from him before he died.
That's why I'm writing this essay now to make sure she knows everything she taught me. I am so proud of my grandmother and appreciate having the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).
(I received a text from my dad yesterday saying he read this draft to her at the hospital and she loved it. Mission accomplished!)
I certainly hope Grandma gets better and can come home. After all, she told her friend Laurie, “I'm not done yet!”
But I also know that it's not up to us to decide.
As Gandalf tells Frodo in The Fellowship of the Ring:
“All we have to do now is decide what to do with the time we have. »
I hope my grandmother and my Thoreau can inspire you to live more deliberately:
- If you're ready to put down your phone and be present with the people in front of you, life can seem so much richer.
- If you are ready to prioritize what is truly important instead of things that try to distract your attention, you will never go wrong in the choices you make.
- If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifeThey will still be a part of it when you are 94 years old.
And finally, remember, no matter what you do today, this is the only time This the moment will arrive.
Act accordingly.
-Steve
PS: If you want a film that makes you think about the present and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend Wim Wenders's. Perfect days.
#Years #Wisdom #Nerd #Fitness