It's been a while since I've felt such discomfort.
I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Don't say anything bad (trailer here), a horror/suspense film about a family who visits another couple they met on vacation.
And terriblyThings don't go as planned.
If you saw the “Dinner” episode of The office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan's house for the most uncomfortable house party ever, and I thought of you…
“What if it was a 2-hour horror film instead?”
…this is essentially the plot of Don't say anything bad.
This movie is based on a European film of the same name released in 2022, so naturally I had to watch that too. And boy, this version was even darker and more shocking.
This film contains very cutting comments on relationships, masculinity and even parenthood…
But here's why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone's feelings?” »
I always joke about how much he likes people who avoid conflict I am, which means that this film shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and overcommitment
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!” »
So we went to the Episcopalian church when we were kids.
And despite this, I managed to obtain all the Catholic guilt!
I will do everything in my power to keep the peace. I will do everything I can not to offend. I will overcommit, I will put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don't know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short, I would NOT have done well Don't say anything bad.
Before, I thought it was just my kindness, but I realized it was something different.
I was disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I have learned to set and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I have a feeling a lot of people reading this newsletter are also people pleasers, suffering from burnout, and feeling overcommitted right now.
If this is you, I have a hard truth to hear.
The solution to burnout is not a yoga retreat
When we feel exhausted, overly busy, and overwhelmed, we believe the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage, a “digital detox” or a retreat.
- Realization: We just have to work Stronger to the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom and not the root cause.
As Anne-Helen Peterson points out in I can't even:
“You don’t cure burnout by going on vacation. You can't solve this problem with “life hacks” like inbox zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or preparing Sunday meals for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You can't solve the problem by reading a book on how to “let off steam.”
You can't solve this problem with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anti-anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro technique, or fucking overnight oatmeal.
As I share in my essay on problems with self-careThe solution isn't found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, or in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We people-pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting everyone's needs, very rarely thinking about our own.
This is usually how we find ourselves overworked, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially resentful of our generosity being taken for granted.
The problem ?
It’s not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.
It is up to us to establish them, explain them and protect them.
This is where the limits come into play.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to truly consider OUR needs too. Something I hadn't thought about in a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who haven't considered their own needs either. long time.
This doesn't mean we have to suddenly become “I'M THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS”, but rather it means we have to realize that our feelings and needs are valid, and that we have to take care of ourselves. if we do. I will also take care of others.
As Dr. Lakshmin points out in Real self-care:
“To truly practice self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable, whether by having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or by making a clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over to another.”
Here is your challenge for the day:
Say NO to something that you currently say YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, it will force you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint someone!
Especially if they're used to you saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One final reminder that I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can't travel in time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I'd love to know what boundary you set, so respond and let me know!
-Steve
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The position Borders: the cure for burnout? first appeared on NerdFitness.
#Boundaries #Cure #Burnout